A Lesson In Trusting Myself

 Recently, I started (again for the 10,000th time) swim lessons. Today, September 28, was my first session since 2012/2013. I am 35 years old, and I do not know how to swim. I'd like to believe that in an urgent situation, I could save myself, but I want to be absolutely sure. 

Two of my closest friends have children who excel as swimmers. One of them, Bear, who is also my godson, has consistently been promoted since he started swimming. Now, as a one-year-old, he is in class with two- and three-year-olds. I was so inspired by Bear that I decided it was time for me to start my swim lessons again. This time, it would be different. This time, it would be a lesson in trust. 

When I realized how well the children in my life were excelling at swimming, it dawned on me that the conditions must be just right for a swimmer to fully engage. I believe that the children are so good at their lessons because their parents have created conditions that allow them to trust that they will not be harmed and that they can, in fact, learn and do the skill they are being taught. That started me to reflect on my own childhood and why swimming just never stuck for me. 

My grandmother and aunt (s/o Lavette) kept Kiera and me enrolled in swim sessions after swim sessions. Kiera went on to become a fish, but I, on the other hand, just could never fully grasp the skills. I now think it had everything to do with not trusting myself and being able to let go and know that I was, in fact, still in control. I essentially wanted to fight with the water, even knowing that, in most cases, I could just stand up and be ok. I also hated the process after swimming, where I had to spend a large chunk of my Saturday getting my hair washed, blow-dried, and pressed. According to my family, my hair was just too nappy to get dainty ponytails after a wash. I had to get the full treatment and that included a hot comb. 

Body issues were also a hindrance for me. Puberty came and brought along big breasts. So, finding swimsuits that fit my small frame and large breasts was a task. I remember as a middle schooler, I was enrolled in swim lessons, and during the lesson, my breast fell out of the swimsuit. I was mortified, and that is my last memory of swim lessons as an adolescent. 

In graduate school, my roommate and I decided to take lessons. It was a better experience with the water for me. I was more comfortable and really grew my skillset of floating on my stomach, streamlining, and eventually swimming from one end to the other. Once we got to treading, I wasn't so good, and shortly after, I ended those lessons. 

So here I am, learning to swim for the 10,000th time. I believe that by taking up swimming now, I am healing my inner child and learning to let go and trust. We covered so much ground in my first lesson, but I can tell that I am still learning to let go. My almost fully there backfloat is evidence of this. But, I am determined to learn and fully trust that I can be one with the water. I do not feel the urge to fight. So here's to trusting myself. I'm excited to enter my mermaid era.