Can I Really be for Black Girls and Not Take Care of Myself?

 In 2012 my homegirl and scholar Jessica Robinson asked “Can We Be For Black Girls and Against Their Sexuality?” (Read Robinson’s article in Wish to Live: The Hip Hop Feminism Pedagogy Reader. Purchase here)I recently thought of this question, but now I am wondering, can I be for Black Girls and not take care of myself? 

Like so many others, I started the new year pledging to do all the responsible adult things: save money, pay down consumer debt, write all the things, and lose weight. Many of these things appear on my resolution/manifestation list every year. But, THIS YEAR, I told myself I would not break the promises I made to myself. I am mostly good at meeting my goals. For example in 2021-2022 I’m sure purchasing a home and increasing my income by 20-30k was on my resolution/manifestation board and by the end of 2022 all of that came to be. 

To get an accurate starting point on my health I first needed to establish a primary care physician in my new neighborhood and get all of my blood work completed. On Feb 14th I attended my first doctor’s visit with my new physician and had her run all the tests via a full blood work up. The next day the results were in and I wasn’t sure what it would say, but I wasn’t expecting to receive the news I received. 

I learned two things from my blood workup: I was severely anemic and the teetering of “pre-diabetic” had finally crossed over to type 2 diabetes with a 6.8 A1C. Anything above 6.4 is considered “the sugar.” I had received prediabetic readings before and with diet and exercise I was able to course correct. This time it seemed I had really done it. The grief of summer 2022 was lingering in all the worst ways. You see at the top of 2022 I was watching my plate and working out at OrangeTheory. In March of 2022 I was even working at OrangeTheory which meant as a perk I could workout as often as I wanted. Summer 2022 happened and life just started taking me for a ride. I was working, working working, caring for my soulie, and eating. Burning the candle on both ends was doing me in. Plus, now that Quincy and I had a backyard, those daily walks were a thing of the past. 

When I learned of my diabetes diagnosis I was also the heaviest I have ever seen the scale. Big Momma (me), had gotten up to 256 lbs. If you know me you know I can be petty and too often tap into dramatics. I cried for days because at this point you could not tell me I wasn’t dying. I was sure I had cut my already shortened life expectancy due to patriarchy, white supremacy, sexism, racism, classism, violence, etc even shortened because of my choices. I was in full victim stance. 

A few people offered that genes also play a role in diagnoses such as diabetes and while I could see that, I think I would have been more gracious with myself if obesity and my own choices were not right there for me to blame. Once diagnosed, my primary care physician referred me to the diabetes health educator. 

My first visit with the diabetes health coach was a doozy. I cried the whole entire time because in my mind they were doing too much (LOLOL). I kept wanting to say, “but wait I don’t really have diabetes.” Or “well this isn’t that serious because I am going to turn this thing around.” But, I soon learned that once you cross that threshold into diabetic range you are always considered diabetic even if it is controlled and your numbers are in a normal blood sugar range. Therefore, the educators carried out all of the necessary assessments like checking my vision and my feet for open sores. Whew I cried them out in that office lol. They also prescribed me a glucose monitor to check my glucose levels everyday and started me on metformin to address my insulin resistance.     

What started off as a baseline check quickly escalated to immediate life adjustments that I would need to make. In some ways it was also aligned that my church was doing a lenten fast around the time of my diagnosis  which meant no bread, fried foods, or sweets 6 days a week.  Through the diabetes educator I learned what would be best for me in terms of carb consumption to keep my levels ideal and get me back on track to a lower A1C. 

The adjustments were not easy. Not necessarily the food part because at that point I was turning down things left and right and in some regard I became afraid of food. I continued to work out at OrangTheory 2x a week. The biggest adjustment was meds and checking my sugar levels. I experienced a “flat tummy tea” clean out from the meds as well as nausea. Once I adjusted to the meds my diabetes NP increased the dosage and that took me all the way out. She soon adjusted them back down which I was able to manage and sustain well.

The following month during my second check in with the educators I dropped about 15 pounds and I was placed on a Rybelsus which helps lower A1C and encourages weight loss. This paired with my lifestyle changes helped me lower my A1C to pre-range diabetic range during last month’s visit and I am now 28 pounds down. That’s a little more than halfway to the goal of what I wanted to manifest for weightloss at the top of the year.  

It’s very cliche for one to become enlightened when they experience a problem, but that’s exactly what happened to me. I was mostly tore up and in my drama bag because I was embarrassed by this diagnosis and worried about what others might think. There is so much stigma around diabetes, particularly type 2. Growing up I knew that it was something you didn’t want to get and it’s easy to find a gospel song claiming the victory over diabetes. Upon learning of my diagnosis I knew I didn’t want to be in the number. I was so upset with myself for letting myself all the way go. But, the truth of the matter is people who are small and seemingly healthy can develop type 2 diabetes and those who are bigger people may not ever develop diabetes. But in my pity party and self blame I had to consider the real impact of genetics (my father and nearly all of his maternal family have diabetes) and also express gratitude for early detection. 

I had to remind myself of the declarations I made at  the beginning of the year, I was not breaking another promise to myself. Well, this diagnosis ensured that I didn’t. Unfortunately, big G-O-D has to make sure we get the lesson. I am making better choices and under the care of medical professionals I will keep making strides toward the best me. More than anything I want to live for generations and now knowing what I know I can support my future lineage in making better decisions which could delay or prevent the onset of type 2 diabetes. 

I believe Black girls need to see Black women living as their best selves or fighting like hell to get there. This can be in terms of physical health (my current journey) or even mental health. I want to give Black girls something to look forward to and even when it’s not so great I want them to see me fighting for what I want and deserve. If I can help it, I also want to show up for Black girls whole and not broken. I want to be my best self so that I can receive and overflow with all of the goodness that makes up Black girlhood. 

Yes, I can be here for Black girls and not take care of myself, but why do that when I can be my best self and show up correct. After all I am trying to live in the future Black girls have already created and I believe to do that I have to at least try and be my best self. I will likely get it wrong, but that won’t stop me from trying. 

P.S. As I said I am under professional care. I am also more sensitive to how nutrients and food react in my body. All this to say I do not need additional dietitians or opinions regarding me and what I have going on. My employer provides great health benefits and I am using them. Amen? Amen.