'Some of Us Did Not Die' Because a Homegirl Was There to Pick Us Up

I tried to write this blog back in late June/early July and I couldn’t. On my 35th birthday my mind is finally giving permission to move forward. I wanted to reflect on my last year and the birthday prayers I have for my next year of life. 

During my 34th year I learned why some of us did not die. In July 2002 June Jordan released Some of Us Did Not Die, a selection of essays that lays out the the cost and benefits linked to living a life that is dedicated to freedom and equity. I first encountered these essays in 2012 during the spring of my second year of grad school. During this time the words rang beyond the required syllabus reading when my mentor and homegirl called me in the middle of the night to come pick up her and her baby. They awakened to a smoky house due to a pot of some sort left on the stove. In true Black woman wisdom we both knew it was safer for me to come and pick her and her baby up rather than engage authorities of any kind. They could have died, but they did not. 

At the end of June 2023 I found myself literally on the floor after suffering a panic attack. My body was overloaded with all the emotions and I just crumbled. In that moment on the floor I quite literally wanted to die. I thought I was in fact dying. I’d heard that during times like this you should ground yourself by engaging something tactile like a stress ball or placing your feet directly on the ground. I opted to lay directly on the floor. Because of the thought process I had during this mental break I knew I needed professional support. I reached out to two of my closest homegirls and asked for the virtual mental health practitioners info. This prompted them to facetime me and before I could tell them I was ok and would be ok they were in the car on the way to see about me and making plans to see me after childcare pick up. I wanted to shrink and hide, but they did not allow it. They washed my dishes, organized mail, brought dinner, served as advocates for me and literally kept me from going on a 72 hour hold. I was so grateful for them because reflecting on that time I made the painful realization that I was out of my mind during that time.

After that moment I turned back to June Jordan’s words to see what I could glean as it related  to moving forward and processing what I experienced. It was at that moment that I realized some of us did not die because a homegirl was there to pick us up. This should not have been a revelation, but because I pride myself on being a great friend and being present for everyone when needed,  it was a little foreign to me to be the one who was in need. Not that we don’t share our struggles as friends and support one another, this just seemed like a huge crisis and I had never been at the center in this way. This frame of thinking was also brought on by feeling as though I had to be the one who had it together; be strong and never let anyone see you sweat. 

The truth of the matter is I absolutely needed that moment where I found myself on the floor. I needed to break in order to realize that I am human and I am a person. I can’t operate like a robot just going going going. I needed to be vulnerable and crack open so that others could take care of me. I needed to go full stop so that I could be honest with myself and also be clear about what I need and what I want in life. I needed to stand up for myself and be firm in my convictions. I needed to spend more time with my thoughts, ideas, and desires. I needed to remember that diving into me is the only thing that could and can save me. 

As I reflected on my 34th year of life it was a lot of valleys–from death and grief, health diagnoses, medication implementation for said health diagnosis, introduction of anxiety medication, so many tears. However, there were many beautiful moments like helping 5 mothers bring forth life, becoming a godmother to the baby I literally prayed to make it earthside, 40 pounds lost, domestic and international travel, Beyoncé, Usher, an unexpected monetary blessings, celebrations, an exhibition, new car, and a lot of speaking up for myself and being unrelenting in the life that I want. It’s not perfect, but my life is better because so many people love me and helped me create so many positive and beautiful moments. 

In this next year of life my mantra is “God surprise me.” For me this is a posture of surrender, taking everything a day at a time, no planning, no chasing the next thing. I want to exist in a flow of trust and listening to myself and Spirit. In addition, I’ll keep relying and being in community with my homegirls because some of us did not die because of it.