Dream job, really?

I can absolutely believe that I did not contribute one word to this blog last year. I guess writing in this perceived Black hole just did not come up on my bingo card for 2021. A lot happened last year, mostly good things. I’d even go so far to say great things actually. The only bad thing was in the midst of all that good I lost Boo, my paternal grandfather. Day by day it does get better, but most days I still cannot believe he is gone. In reflecting on 2021 I promised myself that I would contribute more regularly to my blog in 2022. I desire to do this because one, I need to build my writing muscle back and two, I need to return to my ideas on Black girlhood and spirituality in very real ways. Like how did I have a whole idea and just let it go? Maybe the real real real real reason has to do with the title of this blog. 

So one of the awesome things that happened in 2021 is that I landed what I consider my dream job. I transitioned from this private faith based university that paid me awfully low and the values went completely against what I believed in. Working at a faith based institution and being a Black girlhood spiritualist are seemingly two things that should work well together. I agree, but when white supremacy is a majority the spirituality can get choked out.

I currently work as a senior administrator for a local/national non-profit that uses Black feminism and art to encourage  Black girl leaders to combat the sexual violence Black girls and women experience. It is my dream job because I went to graduate school so that I could continue the organizing work with Saving Our Lives Hear Our Truths (SOLHOT). SOLHOT is how I got started seriously considering and creating a world that Black girls could exist in and feel safe, valued, and loved. My research interest is only possible because of training I received from my continued time in SOLHOT. On top of all of that, SOLHOT made it possible for me to obtain a Ph.D. So when this job posting came across my inbox I just knew I had to apply as it would take me out of my current situation and place me in a direct community again with Black girls. Not only that, I would be able to take the leadership skills I did gain from my job and time in SOLHOT as well. 

Initially, I was geeked to apply and then I was hesitant. I was hesitant because the application was due the Friday of my grandfather’s 4 day long services and burial. I almost didn’t apply because the job did seem very separate from direct organizing with Black girls and more administrative which would require organizing skills that maybe I did not have. As in, do you take quality notes and do you know how to run an organization from the background. I do know how to do these things, but I questioned if that is really what I wanted to do. I mean after all I do have a PhD. Is this really thee position? It could be, so I went ahead and applied. 

Let me rewind just a bit to give some context of my experience of grad school and job market. So I graduated from my program back in 2018. It was literally by hook and crook. By that time I was completely over grad school and “ready to get on with my life;” “ready to begin my life.” Whatever those statements really meant. I’d felt like I was in this holding space of grad school where I was an adult, but maybe not really. My family was ready for me to graduate and I was too. I had a big celebration and then it was necessary to find a job. 

I applied to academic jobs and mostly was uninterested in them. I also didn’t feel as though I knew how to write the best application for those jobs. On top of the academic market being extremely competitive with only a few jobs for every 100,000 applicants. I applied and landed a job as Executive Director of a foundation and I was glad to have a job. But, the reality of the compensation from these jobs was laughable at best. I took the job because bills needed to be paid and also hoped for the best as I tried to make the best and feel my way through learning what was required of me. 

One thing I love about myself is that I am adaptable. I could really do any job if I’m given the opportunity to learn the culture and proceed. For the ED job I was their last ditch effort to save the foundation and by then it really was too far gone. I was laid off in 2019 at the end of my contract and it really could not have been better. I was over Champaign and wanted to move back closer to home. I wanted to make a real salary. I landed the university job I mentioned above after 3 months of unemployment and increased my salary by 12k; it seemed like it was going to be alright. Beyond it not being the institution for me, no one really talks enough about the reality of being overworked and underpaid. Like that alone sent me into a deep depression because I just couldn’t believe I accumulated all that debt for this to be the reality of my life. It had me questioning my worth big time. 

Ok fast forward back to my new job that I landed in May 2021. I love it. I’m working with Black girls, I am organizing and making sure we have the things that are needed for us to do this important work. I am following up on action items, really trying to move us forward as it relates to our administrative needs, I switched us to a more robust platform that we were already using. I am feeling accomplished on most days. What’s more than that, this new position will allow me to grow. In fact, they want that for me. They love that I have a handle on the field of Black girlhood and can marry and merge that world to the work we do daily. Not to mention my salary has recently increased 20k more than my last job. I am thriving. 

But, then here comes doubt. A person who is very close to me says “oh, so you’re the secretary. You went through all the schooling to do that.” Instantly, I’m second guessing myself and really going back to some of the concerns I had when I hesitated to apply for the job. I am not sitting in that doubt because I hear the question differently. I hear the question as you have so much possibility what else will you do? 

Unsurprisingly, my current job is likely waiting for me to do more as well. I've been waiting for me to do more. I’m not sure why the writing I need to do evades me most times. Really I mostly feel like I avoid writing. So to move beyond this feeling of being stuck I am committing to two posts a month this year. My intention is for the post to help me really develop my ideas so that I can write and publish the book that is inside of me. 

More soon, no fear, no doubt. I am doing this.