In Love

*my brain* don’t say it, don’t say, do not say it….It’s been awhile, but, I’m back. Due to life’s transitions I hope to spend more time here thinking out loud and theorizing my experiences. 

Since 2009 I have been intrigued by the idea of love. Specifically the realms of being in love  and soul mates. I know it was 2009 because I was a senior in college sitting in the grad seminar for my work with SOLHOT, Revolutionary Acts I. We were sitting in our circle and somehow two of my homegirls expressed how as best friends they were “in love” with one another. Up until this point I had only heard of in love in terms of romantic relationships and not platonic or homegirl friendships. My intrigue also peaked because it was probably not until that year that I’d even started telling my friends that I loved them. Like too many American families “I Love Yous” were implied and not heard enough. 

I knew I was loved by my family and friends, but like anything you do not practice, verbal expression of love felt awkward and made me anxious. So when my homegirls shared that they were in love with one another and that they were soulmates I perked up and wanted to know more. How did they know, what was the determining factors, how long had they been in love? I wanted the tea! I cannot recall their responses but knowing them a bit better now I think they said something along the lines of that they were each other’s person and that experiences solidified that they had each other’s front, back, and side. It challenged me to think of the ways I exist in friendships and I even started to share I love yous with friends and family. More than anything it showed me how in love did not have to be reserved for this fairy tale love story, although, it could fit those as well. 

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post I am in transition and while packing to move from the place I have known as home for the last 13 years, I came across two “interviews” I completed which were intended for research for the book I wanted to write back then “How to Date Me, My Friends, and Homegirls.” It’s okay you can laugh here, but I was serious; seriously, on the quest to find out more regarding relationships and intimacy. The interviews mostly centered on our standards and what we were seeking in people we wanted to date (we had time in undergrad lol). Thinking about these archives and my homegirls talking about their love for one another brought me to my favorite clip of Eartha Kitt.

In this clip Kitt is being interviewed and the interviewer asks Eartha if a man comes into her life would she compromise. Eartha Kitt laughs in the interviewer's face so hard and is in disbelief of such a question. She goes on to state “when you fall in love, what is there to compromise about?” Prior to this statement she says falling in love is about the right reasons, the right purpose, it’s about love. This goes against much of what I/we are taught about love and relationships in that we learn that long term relationships are all about how we “compromise” to meet each other’s needs and make space in our lives for others.

While I get how we can get to that conclusion, I always heard Eartha Kitt as saying there is no compromise because since we are in love we do what we need to make it work for us. Yet, this does not mean we bend and forego the purpose we are on this earth to fulfill and falling in love is exclusive to those who help in building one another’s purpose. So, yes, that does take some figuring on the couple's part out, but it does not mean that one loses themselves for the sake of the relationship. We do exactly what she later suggest and “fall in love with [ourselves] and look for someone to share it with.” This is not exclusive to romantic partnerships as the interviewer suggest, but also make sense for friendships as well. My loving relationships with friends enhance and grow the love I have for myself. They help me on the road to my purpose and this is important especially for me because I tend to be a late girl in walking in the things I am set out here on earth to do, but that's another blog post.

Seasoned folks always say “things get clearer by and by, just keep living.” It makes and made total sense that my homegirls are and were in love with one another and because of this I recognize how in love I am with many of my friends and family. I’m not afraid to let them know either. I also know that romantic relationships are not about the list that we set out to not compromise on, but more about how the relationships we choose to be in fulfill us in ways that help us maintain our wholeness or work through our coming apart, Above all else our love(ing) helps us fulfill our individual purpose. We are made better by our in love experience. We know this because when or if these relationships end we mourn them, yet the good outweighs the bad and we are forever connected. 

So maybe in love sleep is "compromised" when you get a call at 3 am from your homegirl to come get her and her baby from their smoke filled home, but I promise I will answer every time and go get them. Or, maybe you do make more money than him. Chile this aint the 60s and yall not the Jeffersons don’t let that be the reason in love can’t work. As long as it’s not at the expense of your individual purpose do what works for you and yours. 

More than anything I want to always think of the dimensions of love and in love in terms of my friendships and romantic encounters.

xo