Year Nine

Nine years ago today my Grandmother, Lurine Terrell Garner, became an immortal angel as her mortal body made its transition.

It all happened so quickly. A whirlwind even. We knew that my grandmother had been sick, however, because she loved us (her family) or maybe because patterns of self sacrifice embed deep in our bones, we did not know how sick she truly was. My grandmother knew she was transitioning and she was not afraid. In fact, my grandmother took joy in the idea of glorious freedom that would be found on the other side. I recall conversations with her during my teenage years, specifically telling her that I did not want her to die. She had to live forever, even though I knew that was far from reality. She would tell me in her very sharp tone, "What you scared of, Shay? Ain't no need to be sad. We all gotta go some day and I can't wait to sit under the shade trees and walk the streets of gold." And she kept that same energy all the way until the end. On one of my last visits with her she was over being in the hospital and didn't want to be hooked up to any machines. I have always listened to my grandmother, so when she demanded the machines be taken off, I began taking everything off. My aunt banned me from the hospital after that. lol Nevertheless on that day I witnessed how unshakable my grandmother's faith was. She really was not afraid of death. She looked it in the face and praised God like I had never seen before. She professed her love for Him and how good He was despite her circumstance. Sis was ready to go even if we were not ready for her to go. She was ready because she lived a life poured out.

After Granny Lulu's transition on September 6th when looking for the life insurance policies (because if nothing else she had policies on everybody in the tradition of working and middle class black folks *read as not new and Black folks always been doing this*) my aunt also found the assurance Granny Lulu left all of us. Turns out my grandmother was busy while in her room. She wrote letters to my grandfather, cousin, and me to help my aunt take care of the twins, she wrote prayers for God to heal my father and uncle, and she wrote prayers for God to bless her so that she could be a blessing to others. Not only this, but she planned her own final services with names of who should do what. Homegirl was busy lol.

Year 8 just like year 1 was hard because so many major things happened and her presence was GREATLY missed. These moments were ones she earned for her willingness to start over at the age of 50 with a 14 month-old, for the correction and investment in everything to make me a better human, for holding off on retirement until I graduated high school so that I could have everything I wanted and didn't need, for sending my birth mother mother's day cards even though they never met. My grandmother raised me right and she was tough, but like most Taurus women she was mushy on the inside. She loved her family and friends. She was the first educator and womanist I knew. I am a reflection of her goodness and spirit and if I am half of the woman she was I know I have lived my life poured out. Now, I understand that when you live in that way there's no reason to fear. You've done what you were sent here to do.

So here's to the woman who believed in form and breaking form, to the woman who always believed in redistribution of goods to those in need, to the woman who put me and us before her time and time again, to the woman who laughhhhed and laughed, to the woman who showed me how to be a friend, to the woman who got it wrong and apologized, to the woman who was Easter lilies bloomed, to the woman who knew more about everything than anyone I know, to the woman who knew education was doomed when Jeremy cut down her pole beans because he thought they were weeds, to the woman who introduced me to reading and writing, to my heart...we miss you so much and I pray you have found gold paved streets and much joy, peace, gold and milk & honey on the other side.

I love you.